@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

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@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@novicefather

[opens door for two Jehovah’s witnesses]

Ugh…ok come in. The goat blood is in a vial on the table. I’ll get the virgin from the basement.

@MaraWilson

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

@DamienFahey

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6