I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
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just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
😂😂😂
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”