Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”

-corduroys

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

guys I’m going home

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

Me: welcome to my she shed

Gynecologist: please don’t call it that

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

[dating profile]

Body sculpted by Michelangelo.

The turtle. Not the David dude.

Serious enquiries only.

ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.