Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.

Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

I gave up going to work for lent.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out

[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?