I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
You Might Also Like
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
when someone compliments me
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
🔥🔥
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
#dnd #ttrpg
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!