Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

ㅤ

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

i just really want crab legs

..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

LOL

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.

Well, shit

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.