I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
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Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.