I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor