Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

Bootstraps

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

Selfie

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!