Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?

Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.

F: Why not?

Me: He gets really mad.

ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Saw this yesterday lol

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!

It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

58.

Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*