I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
The booster protects against what, now?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?