I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.