I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room