I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
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Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.