I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
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You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
Never be a pizza!
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰