i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.