I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*