I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight
Good news
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me