I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot