Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

Going into Monday like

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

Her: What’s for dinner?

Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

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My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

“you changed” bro i was 15

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!