I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
You Might Also Like
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
That’s incredible! 👌
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets