I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
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My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
