Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

For those that worship cheese..

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me: