Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.