Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Did I do this right

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Oh thanks BBC.

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

doctor: drugs have destroyed your body

me: you should see the other guy

doctor: what other guy

me: only i can see him

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents

me: please Bob. I’m sorry

Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!