I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
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They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Pikachu found the lost joint
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
🎵 I can’t wait to
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.