I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
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“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.