I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
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*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
S/o to @funTweeters .
Breaking news:
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]