@aotakeo

I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations

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@_troyjohnson

Historic moments in rap.

Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
Jay Z

@RobbyRob313

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

@pplwtching

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

@Fred_Delicious

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

@BoomBoomBetty

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

@envydatropic

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

@possibilyss

In hindsight, i shouldn’t have said ‘surprise me’ when the judge was about to sentence me

@Kyle_Lippert

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

@dulcetry

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that