I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
You Might Also Like
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”