I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.