I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after