I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
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Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.