I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
getting seasonal up in here
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.