Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.

Roombae.

Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.