I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
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Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Ah..makes sense now
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant