Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

*mutes Coronavirus*

*Twitter disappears*

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

[job interview]

“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”

Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”

Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.