Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?

Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.

Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Guy- What’s your sign?

Me- Stop

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter

FRIEND: This is a shoe

ME: Omg I can’t believe it

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.