I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Happy Friday
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air