I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
oh my gosh!!
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery