i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
You Might Also Like
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
This hospital has everything
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
They grow up so quick
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.