Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.