I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
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I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.