I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
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going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard