I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
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popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.