I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
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Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
😭😭
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1