Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
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Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
twitter users today:
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.