I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Short story
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
a public service announcement
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.