Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes

Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds

Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton