I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?