@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

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@thebeckyard

My 15 yo told me he is going to someday name his daughter “May” and it will be short for Mayonnaise but nobody will know.

I couldn’t be more proud.

@megankcomedy

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

@Pro_Jones_

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

@jwoodham

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

@ArfMeasures

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

@OctopusCavemann

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

@murrman5

Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.

@mommajessiec

My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

@LittleVodkaOwl

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.