I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
My current situation
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!