I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
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I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.