Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.

CLERK: Satin?

ME: No, new please.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”

– The first horse ever ridden (probably)

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard