I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
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