I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?