People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
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Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.