I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’d rather go liquor treating.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends