I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
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My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
A small tragedy.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.