I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
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there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Opened my notes app and instead of finding MY notes, which I’ve saved on each iPhone I’ve had since 2017, I found SOMEONE ELSE’S NOTES.
These mystery notes include three local numbers, a password, and a SSN… Among less savory things.
BUT WHERE IS MY FINNISH NISSU BREAD RECIPE
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”