I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
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I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich