I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
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Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess