I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.