I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.