I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
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SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
A short story about romance.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere