I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Alexa turn off the planet
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*