I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
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Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
first you must answer his riddles
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half