I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
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Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.